I took a blog break yesterday.
Today I’m going to write about depression. I’ve been experiencing depression for a good part of today. I woke from a depressing dream where I lost my dog. So I began to examine what depression is. I came up with the following – depression is the denial of what is.
People who know me would find it strange that I get depressed as I usually have a joyful can do attitude. The truth is I do and have quite a history with depression from childhood, through the loss of my son at 23 years old, the throat cancer aftermath with all the physical issues, and now another challenge in the form of colon cancer.
In order for me to examine depression I have to be willing to acknowledge what is. Not so easily done. By the time I’m aware I’m depressed, whatever what is has been denied and buried so to speak. I find myself wanting to sleep. I’m not motivated to do anything. There is not much joy in Mudville.
So let’s look together. Why am I depressed? I want to wake up refreshed, I want to speak easily, I want to eat normally, I want to button my pants, I want to hug with two arms. All too often I deny my feelings, thoughts or sensations by thinking I don’t want them and if I ignore them, and act as if they are not happening, everything is fine. And life goes on.
Until I find myself depressed. There is that fine line of acceptance and denial. If I accept my feeling of wanting this or that, I can be with it, feel whatever I’m feeling or thinking, and let it go. I can just as easily deny wanting this or that, not acknowledge the feelings or thoughts, and say everything is okay. And when I deny, I am resisting what is. We all know that what we resist persists.
I’ve become quite adept at noticing thoughts and feelings as they happen, accept them knowing I can not change what is, and let them go as the temporary things they are. And in doing that I allow the Source of life to create joy and love and peace within and around me. And when I don’t notice them as they happen, I may end up depressed. The mind/brain creates all kinds of things all of which are temporary.
If I believe they are permanent, I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning. When I’m depressed I know the mind is trying to convince me they ARE permanent. I feel very fortunate to do a mindful meditation every day which reminds me of the temporary nature of all things. And that the Source of life, the light within, the simple joy of being and loving is permanent and always available.
So if I’m sad about something, I’ll be okay about being sad, embrace it and then let it go. Same thing for any other emotion. And if I’m depressed, I’ll say hello old friend, welcome back, it’s okay you’re here, and when you’re ready you can go. That’s the beauty of mindfulness, isn’t it? Anyway I am is okay, I am aware of how I am, I know it’s temporary, and I let it go to be at peace.
Life is truly beautiful!